It's Because I Want To Help You

I've decided it's time to step in and stop boys' (adorable) desperate flailing when it comes to being in a relationship. Although it can be sort of endearing how much they want to succeed, I think everyone involved would agree that it would be easier to just lay out a fool-proof list to win the heart of a girl. Obviously, because I am (usually) only one person, I can only list what my expectations are, but I believe that they ring true for most every woman. (Keep in mind that, as a Christian, my faith will be pervasive throughout my list. This is likely the major difference between what I consider important and what woman of other faiths or none at all do.)

David Bowie is my favorite boy right now, even though he fails about a third of my list (and is 62 *cough*).

1) He must be a Christian.

I don't care how good-looking, smooth-talking, suave or rich he is, if the man has not dedicated his life to Christ I will not give him a second glance. Because of my own weaknesses, I know that if I don't have a boyfriend who will uphold my faith then I may just lose it. It is vitally important that this does not happen. Therefore, a living faith has definitely scored numero uno on my list. (Not to mention that, as it happens, most of the true Christian guys I meet are smarter, nicer and funnier than the non-Christians, but I suppose those perks just come with the territory ;-).)

2) He must be intelligent.

I do not necessarily mean on tests (though it would be nice), but the person I choose to date must be obviously bright. I hate having to put up with pointless, dull conversations with people who have horridly limited vocabularies. You know the kind I mean, the ones who think "socialism" is a big word. Yeah. Gag me with a spork. It ma y, regrettably, be a streak of superiority that runs in me, but, whatever the case, the only people I can really become friends with are i ntellectuals of some flavor. I'm smart, and therefore he must be smart too.

3) He must be a conservative.

And yes, I do mean in terms of political alignment. I could never, not ever stand even sharing the same breathing space in a political debate with a devout liberal. Considering the world I've been raised in, politics have becom e very important to me. I do not care if he is Republican-conservative or Democratic-conservative -- because really, party affiliation means little at the base of things -- but if he is green, liberal, anarchist . . . anything besides conservative, I will leave him in a second flat. Knowing my idealistic self and how important those who influence America are to me, I could never put up with a boyfriend who did not support my political beliefs. (I would tell you why, but I'd just start hating on the liberal agenda and that isn't the time for that.) Having someone to analytically and intelligently discuss the news with without fear of a smackdown is always nice, too. :-)

So, admittedly, a terrible haircut, but the golden tan and toned pecs more than make up for it, right?

4) He must be ambitious and have potential/be successful.

I grouped these two together because I think in a quality man following what God wants him to do the two go hand in hand. I could never date someone who wasn't a visionary. I don't care if he's doing great when I meet him (I don't want him to be broke, mind you, I just don't care if he's the next Bill Gates or not), but he ne eds to show that he at least has the ability to keep a steady job that earns a decent amount of money while working for bigger and better things. I don't want his dreams to be something like opening a burger shack, but if his only ambition is to find an acceptable, well-paying job at some office and raise a happy family, I'm perfectly h appy with supporting him in that. I just want him to have a dream of contentment and see him actively pursuing it.

5) He must have a sense of pride.

"Dignity" might be the better word to use. I can't date a guy with low self-esteem. Because of some of my co-dependent habits I will be constantly trying to encourage him and it will become annoying and our relationship will go down in flames. He must have an appropriate sense of achievement and pride in what he's done -- con fidence, I suppose. Confidence and the ability to accept the good he's done instead of brushing accomplishments off like they're nothing. This might sound insignificant, but you try spending five minutes with a guy who says you're lying to make him feel better whenever you point out something nice about him. Every. Single. Time. You'll be ready to commit an armed robbery, believe me.

6) He must have a sense of humor.

Most intelligent people I know have senses of humor, but I thought I should make it its own number just 'cause humor is so important to me. If he can't make me laugh then he's not worth my time. Albeit, it's not hard to make me laugh, but to make a well-timed, tasteful joke, give a cute, quirky grin, and laugh along with me is something special. He'll have to be able to laugh at his own jokes (not obnoxiously, of course, but it refers back to confidence to acknowledge something intelligent and enjoyable he's said). Along with a sense of humor must also come the ability to laugh at himself. Not in a degrading way, but he just can't take himself too seriously. When I meet a guy who can laugh off a stupid mistake he's made, my faith will be fully restored in the male species.

"What does ravish mean?" Very young an (ostensibly) innocent -- you can't fool us, Bowie.
On a side note, I have this insane urge to paint henna tattoos on his stomach.

7) He must value relationships.

I don't mean he has to be the most romantic guy around, but he has to be able to see and accept that when you enter into a relationship there's testing out the waters first, of course, but if we're going steady I want him to act like it. This could mean we hold each other up in prayer, share our troubles, or offer advice without being critical. He must be involved -- this does not mean spending every waking minute with me. That would be creepy; there has to be room to breathe. But I expect him to introduce me to his friends (as I will introduce him to mine) and at least do something like hold my hand or put an arm around me in public. He has to understand that there will be problems and he must be willing to work through those with me and bring God into it. He has to be dedicated, I suppose, in short.

8) He must be sensitive.

I don't mean one of those guys who cries at the sun setting because "it's just so beautiful, man." That just sort of . . . worrying. But he can't be cold. I don't care if he acts detached in public really as long as he's able to open up and contemplate deeper things while we're in private or with close friends. He must be in touch with his emotions and ready to share how he's feeling with me. If I care enough about a person to date him, then naturally I'll be curious as to how he's faring emotionally, and offer help if I can.

9) He must like kids.

I don't really need to explain this much. I just think it's weird and a turn-off when people don't like the cheerful innocence kids -- I automatically get creepy, mean vibes from people like that.

Odd pose, but quite attractive . . . . quite attractive . . .

10) He must be clean cut.

Not a lot to this one, really: respectful of females, polite in formal situations, drug- and alcohol-free, polite to my parents and friends, physically composed (wears clean clothes that fit, brushes teeth and hair on a daily bases, takes regular and frequent showers), devoid of any criminal record, etc. Okay, so maybe there are a few things, but certainly nothing outlandish.

Here come the last four and the most superficial:

11) He must be taller than me.

I never really thought this was important to me until I imagined myself dancing with a guy three inches shorter than me. However shallow you may say it is, I would be embarassed to be seen with him. Just a few inches makes all the difference in the world.

12) He must have a nice smile.

I do not mean a million-dollar moviestar smile. It just really irks me to look at uneven, yellowed teeth, much less kiss a man with them. He just has to have good dental hygeine and relatively even teeth. I know, I know: superficial, but it really is a must for me. Don't ask me why, because I'm not completely sure myself.

Lalalala -- he can't hear you!

13) He must have nice eyes.

I just can't stand having to look at someone's piggy, watery eyes. It makes me sad. Even if the color isn't spectacular, I'd like them to be normal in proportion to his face and have that lively shine in them. Slightly big (I could like, actually), slightly small or a little buggy I can deal with, but they must at least look normal, healthy and alive.

14) He must be a normal weight.

By this I am allowing a little overweight -- like twenty-five pounds max. I little pudge can be nice, actually, depending on the guy, but I couldn't deal with a fat boyfriend -- because this would be a food addiction, and addictions kill relationships. See, it's not totally superficial.

I suppose this is a pretty long priority list, but in fairness, I wouldn't expect anything of someone else that I myself was not ready to give. As seen by the descending order of important, looks don't matter nearly as much as personality, because if a guy has a great soul then he'll start looking more beautiful naturally. I suppose this was a bit more of a serious post, but with "summer lovin'" fast approaching, I wanted to do a favor for all my male readers.

Seriously, how can you not love this, even just for the spectacle of it?

P.S. I could think of a whole slew of other things that are nice in a man, but I wanted to just give the skin and bones of "acceptable" and leave the tasty fat to bubble over the fire for my own enjoyment. No, I don't really understand the analogy either. It's late and my brain has checked out for the day.

P.P.S. Yes, I will fit David Bowie into every post possible. Get over it -- there's nothing you can do to stop the inexorable pic spams.

Obviously not real, but I thought it was a beautifully scarring note to end the post on.