Mother Earth Is Having Hot Flashes and they Murder Fuzzy Mammals

The polar bear pads softly through the freshly fallen snow, his shiny black nose up in the air to sniff out potential prey. He cocks his round head to the side, hearing a splash down by the water being picked up on the breeze. At the thought of a juicy ringed seal, a smile makes its way up the sides of his fuzzy face. He runs down to the water’s edge, the wind pulling his shaggy coat back and compressing pudgy blubber rolls on his skin. The bear seeks out the seal he heard, but finds nothing. His stomach growls – begging for food – but sustenance is nowhere to be found. The polar bear collapses on his side, tears escaping the corners of his coffee-colored eyes. His world is dying, torn apart by the effects of global warming! Why did humans have to be so selfishly cruel? Are Hummers worth the weight of his life? The bear’s stomach seizes up, and he releases a choked sob as the ice melts beneath him. The last of his strength gives out as he’s dragged down to the icy depths of his watery grave. Ernesto the polar bear will never see his little cubs again, never again frolic in frozen fields . . . all because of the brutal reality of global warming.

He's now dead, and you helped kill him, you sicko.

Time to Freeze Spot's Nuts!

OMG, what is this world coming to? Are we so afraid of change, so afraid of moving on past hard times in our lives (i.e. Fido kicking the bucket) that we'd artificially reproduce an exact replica of our doggies? Except, it wouldn't be an exact replica. . . . It would look the same as Sparky, but it would actually be a different dog, with a distinct personality and no "memory" of you, like a little pod-puppy.

The Feeling Is Mutual, Hussein.

Will the Hafrican Messiah approve of you, unenlightened plebeian? Take this quiz to find out.

And how did this humble religion-clinging war monger do? . . .

I'm an embarrassment to Barack!


I only scored 14 on the Obama Test

Teh One is not pleased. If you don't see me this next week, you'll know it's because I'm performing the ritualistic cleansing necessary to enter the Dali Bama's presence and beg His Holy Forgiveness.

Patrick Bateman-esque Robert Plant

Irrational fears are something that can be endearing, worrying, or pant-wettingly terrifying looking on from the outside in. They're something everyone has, whether big or small. They can stem from childhood experiences, movies, trains of thought . . .

Time to take out the Depends yet?

Everyone else thinks they're ridiculous, but you know the truth. You know that he's out to get you. You can run, but you can't hide, because it's fate that you will be the sole sufferer of this affliction. And what makes it all worse, is that you know it's only a matter of time before it happens.

One of my greatest irrational fears stems from reading Wikipedia's article on American Psycho and hearing about the Shark Myth surrounding the band Led Zeppelin (long story short if you haven't heard the second one: the band had fun with a red-haired groupie and a red snapper -- yes, it will follow you into your nightmares). (If you value your sanity at all, you will not look up/read either of these. Seriously. Don't.) My subconscious made a connection, and I am now rigidly, irrevocably convicted that if I ever meet Robert Plant he will deliver me a horrifying, orifice-abusing, cannibalistic death. Sure, you laugh now (or, more likely, quietly edge away), but just wait until you find my violated corpse resting in Plant's hands, being cut up into little pieces along with a red snapper over a crock pot. And honestly, if you take one look at the man you'll agree my fear is not so irrational after all.

Not pictured here: chloroform-soaked rag and meat cleaver.

Sharing is caring! Post your irrational fear(s) in the comments.

"I'm an instant star. Just add water and stir."

HAPPY 62nd BIRTHDAY DAVID BOWIE!!!!

May you continue to age like fine wine!

Name Change Game!

I am officially (not really) changing my name from Zeabbrah Wourlde to Lassin Sayne. Okay? Okay. Just wanted to give ya'll a heads up so you're not like, "o.O wtf?" I wonder sometimes how I came up with a name like "Zeabbrah" in the first place. Seriously. It makes me feel like a blogging deaf mute. "Eieeye cahnn spheagk ghoowd toowo."

So I have a comment question for you today: If you could change your first and last name to anything, what would it be? I mean, if you could be Johnny Dazzles or Xenu Friedrich Appleseed would you?

Lucius Malfoy, Angry, or Captain Kangaroo?

Happy 2009, fellow internet stalkers!

Sorry I haven't posted in more than a month. I really have no excuses, so I'll spare you the bologna sandwich.

Today, I want to do a bit of a human interest post. Hopefully, what I have to say will aid you in dealing with various older men you meet day-to-day (and by older I mean they have 15+ years of existence on you).

In my experience, (and granted, I am a girl) older men respond one of five ways when meeting me: disinterested, pleasant or uncreepily friendly, condescending, angry, or lecherous. I've been known to confuse the last three on many occasions. Perhaps you have as well. This is why I've made up a compare/contrast essay of sorts to help you define whether you should devour his soul in your mind, prepare to flip him the bird, or whip out your Mace (or pepper spray, or taser, or giant wooden club, per your preference).

Is He Condescending?

Though infinitely more annoying than his angry and lecherous cousins, the condescending older man is the safest. He has no interest in you other than to crush your spirit, so your physical safety is assured even though you may feel the disturbing need to hug a razor and listen to The Cure for a disproportionate amount of time afterwards. You can often recognize him by the tilt of his head (chin raised slightly and pointing just a few degrees right) as he looks down at you with a fixed, cold smile that's often accompanied by a smirk following one of the many aloof "mm-hmm"s that wills surely flood your acquaintance.

He is like an angry older man because he has a cold smile and generally detached demeanor that could be mistaken for hostility.

He is like a lecherous older man because he will often have his eyes travel over your body. Though it may be uncomfortable to you, rest assured that this older man is only interested in picking out your flaws so that he can have someone to tear down over martinis with his friends later that night.

"Stop breathing my air."

Is He Angry?

Depending on whether or not he is under the influence of a substance (e.g. alcohol), if you are in a public or private place, and if there are other normal people present, your physical safety may or may not be in jeopardy. Most angry older men can be stilled with a simple "gosh darn you, now frack off!", but it's always a good idea to have that aforementioned giant wooden club ready just in case. He is easily recognized by the tight smile and clenched jaw or a sneer. It's probable he will seem to have problems standing still (i.e. he will often shift from foot to foot, repeatedly pick up and put down a drink or food, twiddle his fingers, scratch various body parts numerous times, etc.).

He is like a condescending older man because his facial expression will always seem to be toeing the line between overly-polite and offensive.

He is like a lecherous older man because you will get the sense that you just got added to some sort of mental list he keeps.

Yes, if he's pulling finger guns on you he's angry.

Is He Lecherous?

You are naked in his mind. He is removing your Levis with his eyes. Though undoubtedly the most mentally and emotionally scarring of the three, lecherous older men are often kept in check from doing any real damage by pesky things like their possible future with a 300 pound, tatted-up cell mate with herpes and a gold tooth. A weapon of self defense is HIGHLY suggested, preferably Bear Mace. Lechers are most commonly recognized by their vague and almost smirking smile, wandering eyes, and languid, overly-helpful disposition.

He is like a condescending man because he will do or say nothing overtly offensive -- rather, his attacks come primarily from body language.

He is like an angry man because he does illegal things in La La Land.

He lives in your closet.

Until next time (which will be in no more than a week, according to my New Year's Resolutions), stay classy world wide web. ;-)