And That's a Wrap

Well, my lovely inky octopuses, it appears I'll be reporting to you sooner than I thought. I was going to give you the result of the campaign (like we didn't all know :P) tomorrow before school, but my friend and I just had a text message conversation as follows:

Obama won

Frack

Sigh

I thot we werent finding out til 1 in the morning tho

No they just called it

Shit. U serious?

Yea

And sure enough, when I checked out CNN live these were the results: 

VOTES NEEDED TO WIN: 270

ELECTORAL VOTES REMAINING: 70

OBAMA: 323

McCAIN: 145

It's not like this was a surprise, though. I'll admit, McCain could've won -- really, he should've. If he had taken off the kid gloves after the Republican Convention and gotten to the nitty gritty of the issues, shown Obama for his true colors, and played it out like a real conservative, he would've stolen the election. But it was almost as though some driving force -- subconscious, maybe -- was leading him to do all the wrong things, just so he would lose. The man has an ego the size of Texas, a crap campaign, and the Obamedia was too busy licking the feet of Teh One to spare a good word for McVain -- there was no way he could've won with all these forces conspiring against him.

And any conservative who thought otherwise was pulling the liberal card of "if we ignore it it'll go away and then we'll win." Da Nile isn't just a river in Egypt.

It was nice knowin' ya, free America. Gimme a kiss goodbye.

English Class Cheated on Me

I was going to avoid the election until tomorrow, because I knew if I paid attention today I would act like a PMSing Chris Crocker. 

And guess what: I was right. More on that below.

Turns out, my English teacher had different plans for today. She decided that we should spend 30 minutes today following the election (through blogs, TV, or other means) and jot down our thoughts on it. I spent my 30 minutes in the seventh circle of hell, and now you can share in the misery. Here are my notes:

v    6:42 pm McCain just lost Ohio. He now has 124 electoral votes, and 49% popular vote. Obama has 199 electoral votes and 50% popular vote. Why do we need to have electoral votes? The conservatives might actually have a chance of winning otherwise. But California still needs to be tallied in, and that would undoubtedly tip the scale in Obama’s favor. Well, it will anyway, I suppose. I’m barely literate right now. Fear has me in a haze.

v    6:49 pm Obama has 19,480,495 popular votes, while McCain has 19,184,965. I just posted on my blog about the election. It’s helping me to think clearly again. So many people my age just don’t understand how important this is. I’m so scared, and my dad just banned talking politics in the house, so I have no one to be comforted by.

v    6:52 pm Popular votes: Obama – 20,822,014; McCain – 20,414,522. It doesn’t look like there’s any chance for McCain to pull through now, especially with California still off the charts. I was holding onto a sliver of hope. It was just incinerated. I hope these next fur years aren’t quite the hell I’m envisioning.

v    6:55 pm Popular votes: Obama – 21,110,153; McCain – 20,650,932. Christians will be under attack. We’ll just have God and each other soon. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or bad.

v    6:58 pm Popular votes: Obama – 22,190,557; McCain – 21,624,493. There’s a family that goes to my church that I baby-sit for sometimes A very nice family, really. They’re liberal. I’m sure they’re voting for Obama. I don’t think I’ll be able to baby-sit for them anymore. I can’t be in that close proximity with someone who caused this. I know that sounds hateful, but I can’t help it. The whole situation just makes me so friggin’ mad I could spit nails.

v    7:01 pm Electoral votes: Obama – 206 (Oh God, he only needs 64 more); McCain – 135. I think America’s under judgment from God. In the Bible, when a nation was under judgment, it was given bad leadership. We had Clinton, Bush, now Obama. Nuff said.

v    7:04 pm Popular votes: Obama – 22,635,152; McCain – 22,017,149. I’m actually getting teary watching this. Can the libtards even comprehend what they’re doing to us? We’re gonna have another freakin’ 9/11. My dad has a friend who converted to Christianity from Islam named Daniel, and Daniel said that all the Muslim terrorists he knows consider Obama to be “their candidate.” Not to mention the fact that Obama continuously voted against trying to protect infants of live abortions. Even Hillary Clinton voted for that. What do these things tell you? The man is a tool for the devil. He’s sick.

v    7:09 pm I have three more minutes until I can stop. I can’t take this any longer. I developed a headache a while ago, I feel like I’m going to start crying, and now I feel nauseous.

v    7:10 pm My connection just timed out. I can’t watch it anymore. 

All of that is original, folks. My really real view while watching McDorkbrain's downward spiral. Right after I wrote that I went down to dinner and had an emotional breakdown at the table. The flip side of that is now all the negative chi is out of my system, so my headache's gone and I'm feeling more positive. Still . . . things aren't all ladybugs and rainbows, ya know?

I'll try to post later with more covering the election, but I need to take an immediate break from it.

You want to know the saddest thing about this though? No, I'm not talking about the fact a pansy-ass lying weasel  is going to head up our nation. I'm being infinitely more selfish than that. No, the saddest thing is that I used to love English class. I trusted and adored it's vaults of knowledge and creativity.

I feel betrayed by it.

Like . . . like . . .

Take this analogy: I have a dog named Ginger. English class is Billy "Blowjob" Clinton, who has a dog named Imalyingscarybastard.

I feel like Ginger just went and had puppies with Imalyingscarybastard.

. . .

I'm sitting at my computer, keeping tabs on CNN's live election results.

McCain just lost Ohio. He has 124 electoral votes, and 49% popular vote.

Obama has 199 electoral votes, and 50% popular vote.

And I just realized, "Oh my God, Obama is really going to win this election."

It didn't sink in before now just how serious this situation is. 

Look around America, you're under judgement.

Look around libtards, your Golden Boy is a tool of punishment.

Oh my God.

What have we done?

Obambi vs. McVain (or, May the Good Lord Save Our Sorry Asses)

I've been purposefully avoiding speaking about the election. Yes, color me a bad blogger, but my anxiety level has actually gotten to the point where the mere mention of the Obamessiah winning this election has made me want to slit my wrists with a broken window pane. If it was up to me, in all my infinite wisdom (yes, you should be sensing the sarcasm here, ladies and gentleman), Obama bin Biden would be quarantined on an island in the South Pacific, along with their messages of "Teh One can bring us Hope and Change! Eingkeit und Recht und Freiheit für das Amerikanisch Vaterland! Abstimmung für Obameinführer!" (But honestly, all kidding aside, does it not scare the shit out of anyone else that Hitler's message was "hope and change," too?) 

Not that McVain is any gem, either, but he's the lesser of the two evils. And if the sheeple get out of their funk long enough to elect McCain, we'd have Palin in the White House! Wooooot!

But I did not write this for the sake of debating the tickets, because you already know about them and I might be put on suicide watch if I have to think much more about the extent to which McDorkbrain screwed this puppy up. No, instead, I have a proposition:

If Obama bin Biden swings this, I want to declare Wednesday, November the 5th, 2008 National Jump the Border Day. Anyone who does not want to be stuck four years under an oppressive jackass dictator in a socialist republic will mosey on down to Mexico and establish himself as a drug lord. After releasing your anger of Teh One assuming office through corrupting the lives of countless druggies (and don't say "But I'd never do that!" because a piece of Communist . . . um, feces brings out the sadistic, vindictive streak in all of us -- or sucks our souls from our bodies, but badness either way), you jump back over the border as an illegal immigrant, therefore being eligible for Obambi's welfare and healthcare plans!

Oh yes, 'tis quite an amazing plan, I know. Take a moment to bask in the rays of its magnificence.

. . . Okay! Moving on.

For all my Christian brothers and sisters out there on the interweb, keep praying! I'm with you in spirit.

For all the rest of my fellow bloggers, throw darts at the pink elephant of Obama's incompetence.

May God bless this election, and pull us out of the grave this country in intent on digging for itself. 

And just remember this when you get random urges throughout the rest of the day to go down to your nearest Safeway and but a pack of razors, crawl into a dark corner, and sob things like, "My life hurts no more than the rising sun hurts the moon.": "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV)

P.S. By the way, in case you couldn't figure it out: yes, Obama supporters, the Demotivator at the top of the post is for you. So siss the feet of your of your Führer and hop in line for your government cheese. You are the cancerous idiots that made this Lemming Apocalypse possible.